Stress & Anxiety Recovery Podcast

Break Free from PERFECTIONISM - Embracing Imperfection & Authenticity

• Shelley Treacher Underground Confidence Recovery • Season 4 • Episode 27

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If you struggle with perfectionism, this episode offers practical insights and encouragement.

In this episode, I share a personal story about perfectionism and how it shows up in everyday life, from social situations to personal challenges.

I explore the roots of perfectionism, its links to anxiety, shame, and self-criticism, and how it can hold us back.

You'll learn a simple three-step process to soften, soothe, and allow your experience, helping you develop self-compassion.

I also discuss the balance between pushing your limits and being self-critical, with real-life examples.



You might like this podcast next: How do I Stop Self-Criticism?


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 Break Free from Perfectionism

Today, I'm talking about caring too much about what other people think of you—perfectionism. Hi, I'm Shelley Treacher from the Stress and Anxiety Recovery Podcast. I'm a somatic therapist who helps you get control by understanding the stress that lies underneath any difficult behaviour pattern.

 

A money worry sidenote

But before I talk about perfectionism, I want to tell you about one of my sessions last week. So, right on cue, just as I deliver a podcast about money and understanding what's beneath our money worries, one of my clients came in with some severe money anxiety.  I know this is a very real concern for a lot of people right now. In a nutshell, what happened in the session was she talked it out. She began the session in some form of fight-or-flight or danger response, with her nervous system feeling triggered.

She even said,

"I'm just finding it so difficult to regulate right now."

She talked it through. She talked about how she was feeling, and all the different scenarios that were happening in her life. She got so much off her chest that her nervous system calmed down.

This is what happens when you talk things through. Your nervous system gets a chance to calm down.

By the end of the session, none of her money issues were solved. But she did feel in a much better place to tackle it all.

My message here is that you can't tackle your money issues, or any other difficult issues, from a place of anxiety and hyperarousal. It's difficult to make decisions, to plan for things, to be rational when you're in this state of heightened insecurity.

So, my suggestion to you, if you're worrying about money, is to find a way to feel better within yourself, to calm down, slow down your breathing, and to take care of how you feel first.

I've got lots of content here that can help you to self-regulate.

And it might also help to talk it through with somebody.

 

Perfectionism: caring too much about what others think


But now let's talk about perfectionism, and the idea of caring a little bit too much about what everybody else thinks of us. Which undoubtedly is something that people often want to talk through with me. This can be what lies behind a lot of comfort eating.

The inspiration behind this podcast


My inspiration for this podcast was being invited to speak for Stylist magazine. 

Here the article leaned towards a perfectionist streak in the eldest daughter of each family. This made me realise that perfectionism is actually something I hear about quite a lot.

What is perfectionism?


What I mean by perfectionism here is when someone sets unrealistically high expectations of themselves and then works really hard to meet that goal, and then feels bad about themselves when they don't achieve this unrealistic goal. I have several of these clients in my practice.

 

The perfectionist’s struggle


These are people who work so hard to get everything right in all areas; people who often feel paralysed about making any decisions, just in case they get it wrong. These people often continuously feel like they have to prove themselves so much so that their personal life, their work, their social life, and their relationships can be affected by this.

They can often seem quite rigid.

The myth of never having negative feelings


We can also sometimes think that being perfect means never having any negative feelings. But that's, at the very least, just not realistic.

The link between perfectionism, stress, and depression


There is research to show that perfectionists have significantly higher levels of depression and stress compared to people who aren't so perfectionistic. This comes as no surprise, does it? Feeling you have to perform to your best all the time sounds stressful to me.

The pressure to be productive

But aren't we all guilty of it? Don't many of us feel bad if we don't perform to our best? I have a particular friend who often, when I hear from him, he tells me how he hasn't done much that day and he feels really unproductive. Clearly he puts himself down for this. But he's also aware to some degree that this is a pattern for him. And so we have a mutual relationship where we tell each other when we feel this way and then we help each other to feel better about it. It just helps to get that permission from someone else to look after myself. And he the same, hopefully.

 

Perfectionism as an addiction


It's in our culture, isn't it, to be overproductive? And to think that this is a virtue. So perfectionism can be an addiction. Our society values success so highly. But really, if you're feeling depressed or stressed, this perfectionism comes from a sense of low self-worth and seeking approval. It's tipped over the edge from productivity to caring too much what others think of us.

Paralysis: a key sign of perfectionism


One characteristic of perfectionism is paralysis.

 

How perfectionism leads to overeating and procrastination


I think this state in particular can lead to overeating. Procrastination in itself can be perfectionism. And to add to that, perfectionism might also be contributing to the way we feel we have to look, which again might trigger paralysis.

Perfectionism might also be contributing to disordered eating. Where some of the time, you're controlling your eating, and your shape, and your weight.

 

Perfectionism and the scroll trap


Sometimes I experience a kind of paralysis. I'm sure this is a very common one. The way it shows up for me is in scrolling.

It can be so addictive, so triggering, and so compulsive. I go to check my phone to do something specific, and I get drawn into something else, completely forget what I was doing in the first place, and find myself watching something comforting, funny, or endearing.

Lately I've taken to challenging myself to notice these periods.

Often in my head I have the words,

"Oh, look, I'm doing it again. I don't want to be doing this. I'm gonna stop."

And then sometimes it's a bit of a wrench to stop.

 

Imposter syndrome and perfectionism


What has this got to do with perfectionism, you might be asking?

I think sometimes in the background, I get hooked in by negative thinking.

Something like,

"Oh, I wasn't doing anything important anyway. It doesn't really matter."

And I think sometimes behind that thought is a kind of imposter syndrome—the feeling that I wasn't going to do a very good job anyway.

Knowing this, I can consciously try and change it.

Perfectionism and the belief in a ‘right way’


Behind all of this, behind perfectionism, behind my paralysis sometimes, is thinking that there is a right way to do everything. So, feeling resentment, shame, depression or feeling trapped, if it doesn't get done right.

This could even extend to eating, because there really isn't actually a perfect way to eat.

 

Perfectionism and mental health


Some side effects or signs of perfectionism are obsessive-compulsive behaviours or insomnia. Where the nervous system is overactive. Here we're overthinking and stuck in worry.

What neuroscience tells us about perfectionism


In terms of neuroscience, the part of our brain that's responsible for planning, for decision-making, and the fear centre, is activated in perfectionism. This part is all about self-monitoring and self-control.

With the fear centre being activated, it's understandable that the fear of failure might be driving perfectionism.

How perfectionism affects self-evaluation


There's another study that shows that people who care what others think can evaluate and adjust less effectively. This is compared to people who have their own internal sense of evaluation.

I took a salsa spinning course recently

This was a four-month online course to improve my spinning on the spot for dancing. Most people can't imagine that it would take four months, but trust me, it takes a lot longer. This course involved speaking with, being coached by, and sending videos of my progress to quite a famous Salsa teacher. Before I started the course, I told a couple of my friends about this.

Both of them responded with,

"I don't think I could do that."

Actually, up until that point, I hadn't been scared. But then I got a little bit starstruck.

 

Undoing perfectionism through learning

As it turns out, she was incredibly good at her job. Of course. Not only was she a great detailed instructor, but she was also a very good coach. She encouraged me to show her all the mistakes. All the times when I looked like an idiot, or so I thought. And as well as learning a lot, I had a lot of fun with her.

The reason I'm telling you this is because it was such a great lesson in undoing perfectionism. She taught me that there isn't a perfect way to do anything.

She taught me that every time you do the thing, in this case spinning, it's slightly different. That you can never get the perfect spin. Or repeat what you thought was your perfect spin. So my attitude was firmly focused on learning. And the enjoyment of that learning. Which was utterly real for me because I could see minor improvements happening every day.

It was quite simple. The more I practised, the better I got at it, and the better it felt. I would have missed all of that if I'd got upset about trying to be perfect. Don't get me wrong, I was human about it. I did find my lack of skill frustrating at times. But I knew that if I carried on, it would change.

 

Perfectionism and the nervous system

The feeling of being not good enough, and so striving for perfection, caring what other people think of us, often comes from feeling you've had a critical history, and so developing a self-critic. As with many of my clients, they were scared to disappoint their parents as children, having experienced some level of criticism, whether it was intended, or whether it happened by default with a parent who was also perfectionistic.

In this case, the nervous system learns to be scared and will get triggered at any sign of criticism or danger.

 

Perfectionism and control

This can even be embedded in our nervous system before we're born. Because in the last two months before we're born, implicit memory is formed.

We feel pretty safe in the stable environment of our mother's womb. This makes us feel like we're in control of our environment. Being born, we feel out of control. Our environment changes pretty dramatically, and apparently, this leaves us with a desire to gain control.

Joan Borisenko once said,

"Every human being on the face of the Earth shares the same addiction, and that's the addiction to control."

 

Self-awareness as the antidote to perfectionism

Self-awareness is the way through, and awareness that the goal we're trying to attain might not be realistic.

A great example of this is how social media is warping our view of what's normal:

- As people present the best of themselves, how great a time they're having and how easy it would be to fix yourself with lots of adverts that tell you so, we get a pretty warped view of what life should be like.

 

Break free from perfectionism

These are the ways to get through perfectionism:

  • Getting to understand how your self-worth developed,
  • Processing any trauma that's the cause,
  • Reframing how you feel shame, anxiety, depression, (particularly in the context of what's actually achievable and normal/ the standard)
  • Developing an internal sense of evaluation.

One question you can ask yourself to start exploring this is how perfectionism makes you feel safe? What's so compelling about it?

And then it's been suggested that you also build your inner support committee.

Here's a process by Melanie Greenberg

1. Step one is to soften. The idea here is to start embodying your experience so that you connect your brain with your body.

Here, I'm asking you to locate in your body where you feel that tension. Once you've located it, you can start to breathe into that area.

2. The second step is to help you soothe or regulate that place. Here, you're literally introducing comfort and soothing to that area of you, to that tension. You can demonstrate acceptance and understanding. You might want to do this physically by putting a hand over that area. You could give yourself a gentle hug. You could also put your hand over your heart. You could give yourself a little massage. Or do any of the other practices that I've mentioned in previous podcasts.

3. The third and final step is to allow.

Rather than focusing on trying to get rid of this experience and feeling, your job here is to accept how you're feeling, and to refocus on self-acceptance. This process softens the rigidity. And helps you with self-compassion, which really needs to be how you evaluate yourself.

 

A personal lesson in perfectionism

I have a good example of this from my life this week. I went to a birthday party this weekend. I was tired that day. You know how you just don't feel on top form sometimes? This day for me was that day.

I noticed I was feeling more negative and hopeless than usual and thought it might be hormonal. Then later in the day, I fell out with one of my friends, and so I arrived at the party still processing some of this, and still feeling tired. All the way through the party, I kept checking how I was feeling. I checked who I wanted to sit with, where I wanted to be, what I wanted to be talking about., and whether I was okay. I knew I wasn't on top form.

I was the first to leave the party.

For a moment, I was frozen, thinking,

"I don't want to be here anymore, I want to go. But I'm a bit nervous to be the first person to get up and do that."

I did it anyway, because I wanted to go. I'd made a couple of jokes and people had laughed, so I was happy with my performance! So I left. It happened quite easily and quickly. I thought about giving myself a hard time on the way home, but mostly I was just really grateful to be going to bed.

Later I found out that the host, even though she looked like the perfect, funny, interesting, sociable host (—she really was—) I later found out that she'd been dreading the party. A party is a melting pot for potential perfectionism, isn't it? Looking back, I could see how everybody navigated that path in their own way.

My message here is that we're all dealing with this. Parties are not easy for anyone, I don't think, but we can connect in our lack of being perfect.

When striving for more is a good thing

Before I finish talking about perfectionism, I just want to caveat some of this by saying that perfectionism isn't always terrible. There's another study that shows that we often believe the most stressful events in our lives are also the most meaningful.

Pushing our limits

One of the most life-giving things that I do at the moment is cold water swimming. I'm still doing it. I swam in 10-degree water the other day. It was painful for a few minutes, but then it felt great. Apart from all the great cold water benefits, I'm getting such a kick out of pushing my limits. This can't fail to help me cope with difficulty because I'm growing and developing my internal sense of self-regulation.

Although I couldn't possibly say that I'm trying to be a perfect swimmer, it's enough for me that I get all of this from it. There's absolutely no need for me to make this great exercise as well!

This is another good example of what's needed to be understood to overcome perfectionism. It's the development or the gradual understanding that disaster doesn't happen if we are not perfect.

 

Podcast Summary

  • Today, first, I talked about overcoming stress before you tackle your money issues.
  • Then I talked about what perfectionism is, and how we might care too much about what people think of us.
  • I talked about how perfectionism can induce depression, shame, and anxiety.
  • I also talked about how perfectionism can lead to paralysis, and how this might relate to comfort eating.
  • I mentioned a few studies about perfectionism, showing that there might be increased depression.
  • One study showed that the part of our brain responsible for planning, making decisions and the fear centre are activated during perfectionism.
  • I talked about the contribution to perfectionism of having had a critical upbringing and then developing a self-critic.
  • I talked a little bit about trauma and hyperarousal in the stress system, and
  • I gave you a little exercise to soften, soothe, and allow around the tension that you have around being perfect.
  • I gave you a couple of examples of how I cope with not being perfect, and
  • I encouraged you to develop a sense of internal evaluation rather than caring what others think of you.
  • Then I ended by saying that striving for more isn't always a terrible thing.

Hopefully, you saw that pushing your limits can be very different from being self-critical.

 

Get support to overcome your inner critic and perfectionism

If you want help exploring and overcoming your inner critic and your perfectionism, you can book a free consultation here.

Thank you so much for listening today.

This has been The Stress and Anxiety Recovery Podcast with Shelley Treacher.