Why You Keep Losing Yourself in Love - Stop Repeating Old Relationship Patterns

Learn why early survival patterns repeat in love, and how to reconnect with your true self through somatic awareness.
In this episode, Shelley Treacher explains how early survival patterns can quietly take over in relationships.
Through the story of a woman who learned to find her voice after years of self-silencing, Shelley explores how somatic therapy helps us reconnect with our bodies, recognise old defences, and rebuild authentic connection. 

You’ll learn: 

• Why conflict triggers old fear responses
• How shrinking to keep the peace starts as protection, not weakness
• What happens when one person changes their energy in a relationship
• How to stay connected to yourself - even when love feels shaky

This is the heart of relationship therapy - finding steadiness inside, while staying open to connection.

Watch the related video: Stop Losing Yourself in Love

Explore more relationship episodes: bristolcounselling.co.uk/relationships

Transcript

Why You Keep Losing Yourself in Love

Stop Repeating Old Relationship Patterns

Losing yourself in love

Today, I’m going to give you a short podcast about how easy it is to lose yourself in love.

Hi, this is Shelley Treacher from the Stress and Anxiety Recovery Podcast.

You might recognise this feeling: You start a relationship full of hope, wanting to be loved just for who you are.
But somewhere along the way, you notice you’ve started to shrink.
You say less, you make yourself smaller, and a part of you wonders, “How did I get here again?”

Staying connected to yourself in relationships

One of the hardest things about being in a relationship is staying connected to yourself while staying connected to the other person.
That balance takes self-awareness, courage, and compassion, especially when your old survival patterns get triggered.

How survival patterns shape love

I worked with a woman who felt this deeply.
She came into therapy with a husband who was often quite critical, but instead of getting angry, she turned it in on herself.
She wondered, “What am I doing wrong?”

In therapy, we slowed everything down and looked closely at her reactions. Not just her thoughts, but her body’s responses.

Understanding your nervous system’s protection

She realised she’d learned from early on that conflict meant danger.
Her body’s way of keeping her safe was to go quiet, to avoid making things worse.
That’s not a weakness.
That’s your nervous system’s method of protection.

But that same protective instinct was now keeping her stuck, unable to express what she really felt or needed

Healing through somatic awareness

When she began to notice her body, her breath, her sensations, her emotions, her energy, and her posture, she started to reconnect with herself.

Little by little, she practised saying what mattered to her.
It didn’t come out calmly at first, but soon she learned how to be clear and how to be calm.

And then something interesting happened…

She wasn’t trying to change her partner.
She was taking responsibility for her part. The part of her that she could change.
And when she did, he softened.
Because when one person steps out of an old pattern, the whole system has a chance to shift.

Breaking old relationship patterns

Maybe you can relate to this.
Maybe you’ve felt rejected, neglected, or overpowered in your relationships.
Or maybe you’re single and terrified of repeating the same old pattern again.

The truth is, these patterns come from somewhere.
They were formed in our nervous system long before we could even bring words to them.
They were ways we learned to stay safe, to belong, and for some of us, to survive.

But as adults, those same patterns can quieten our sense of self.

The heart of relationship therapy

The healing starts when you can stay steady inside yourself, even when things get shaky outside.
That’s where real connection begins.

This is the heart of relationship therapy – learning how to be in connection without losing who you are.

If this speaks to you, you might be ready for something different in your relationships.

Next steps and gratitude

You can listen to all of my relationship podcasts grouped together on my website at
www.bristolcounselling.co.uk/relationships

This podcast comes with a video, which you’ll find under the same name on my YouTube channel.
All the links are in the show notes.

Thank you so much for listening and for subscribing.
It really does mean a lot to me, and it helps other people more than you realise.

This has been the Stress and Anxiety Recovery Podcast with Shelley Treacher.